An update from 2024 Ashley

 I was looking for google sheets why did I stumble across this blog. It started as a school assignment Fall semester of 2010. Ironically 14 years later. Man I'm gonna need at least 100 more blog posts to explain all that has happened in the last 14 years but here's the abridged version 

I'm currently 37

I have 2 sons. My first baby Grayson is 13, and my youngest baby Gavin is 10.

Lorenzo and I did get married it was a terrible idea and a marriage filled with ups and downs. After 9 years I realized  I was with somebody who I loved but didn't love me. We're divorced now.

I have a stable career in the Federal government. Really the longest job I've ever had. 

More to come but one thing I do know is looking back over these posts especially about lorenzo are cringy as hell.

But also reading over these posts proves to me something that I did not know and its that i am a beautiful writer. The metaphors and my use of words. I remeber writing these sitting at my computer at 1814 St. Paul Lorenzo and I's first apartment where grayson was conceieved and honestly where my life would change forever. 

I looked for Google sheets to start my novel of my life. WELL AUTOBIOGRAPHY LOL. I see I got a 14 year headstart. 

An endangered Engagement

After almost 2 years of dating and one child later Lorenzo and I are finally engaged. I am so elated it was so heartfelt and special. he went through these great lengths to make it memorable. I was absolutely stunned an had no idea that he would propose. Lorenzo and I have had alot of ups and downs but we've found that no matter what we love each other very much and we absolutely love our family. I couldn't be more happy and excited for our long future together. Many women especially african american women want to think that most men are commitment phobes and marriage is a taboo topic to talk about, but its your future I atleast want to make sure I'm in a relationship thats going to have movement. I now firmly believe the sanitity of marriage still exist you just need two people who are in love and willing to put in the necessary work. Even though we didn't do things the conventional way with having a child first and co-habiting before marriage we did what works for us and thats all that matters.
-The future Mrs. Lorenzo Brown...has a nice ring too it, literally.

*Princess Cut for his Queen*

You mean I missed my major by a couple of seconds

When I decided to become an English major my first reason was to go to law school. After several failed attempts at the obvious I realized I was not lawyer material. I still decided to pursue a career in English with a spealization in literature, because I wanted to make my markon the world and become a teacher. I naive-ly though English_Lit would be an easy majo because all I had to do was read a few books interpret an anthology of literature and write a few papers...boy was I wrong. Since fall of 2008 when I really buckled down and got serious about school I pushed myself to achieve what no one else in my family ever did...Graduate from college. Whenever I tell someone what my major is its always followed up with..."so what are you going to teach"! Like dag is that all you can do as an English major when in all actuality that was exactly what I was going to do. School has been a joyful struggle for me because I have the pressure from my family to finish yet I have the mentality of a professional slacker.Geesh school just got real and mediocricy won't cut it this year...Help Me!

FREAKISHLY ABNORMAL BUT NORMAL AT THE SAME TIME?

Is normalsy a word. like meaning being normal but whats normal is anyone ever normal I guess not because in todays society there can be something found wrong with everyone. So far I am the following:
Depressed
Paranoid
Anger
Borerline Suicidal
and Poor!

Emphasis huh well I don't want to be labeled I just want to be normal

A prison of my own thoughts

Since he's been gone I've turned Nocturnal I go to sleep at 6 am some nights and don't wake up until 7 pm I'm so sad all the time but I hide it to avoid the whats wrong that comes from a perfect stranger you don't give a fuck and I'm not about to stand here and tell you my business. I be okay once he comes back but he and I both know he's never coming back he doesn't want to be with me we are going to be a family and honestly I don't know if I should even want to be with him after what he did how he treated me how he made me feel I swear trying to put on a united front is becoming more and more difficult and I'm beginning to be swallowed in sadness I feel like I walk outside on a sunny day and I'm the only one with a gray rain cloud that is hovering over me no matter how hard I try it never goes away. I truly believe this sadness is breaking me down and eventually it will kill me.

emo

Does feeling Hopeless make you a hopeless person. Does feeling depressed make you depressed. Does feeling like no one cares or loves you mean that they really don't what are emotions anyway a name to blame or actions on the way we felt at the present moment whats the point of keeping a journal if we always say what we feel. is there a such thing as having too many emotions or feeling that suddenly everything spirals out of control. After being hurt for so many years by so many people why haven't I become numb. I need to be numb.

Unhappy Faces

I thought to myself how much more can one person endure. If love is suppose to make you happy and release your brain chemically with serotonin why does it hurt so much. If being in a relationship resembles a bondage film, why are so many of us quick to tie ourselves down to be hurt. Maybe I’m a masochist addicted to the pain of love. Feeling somewhat liberated I began to wonder how I manage to always be in these type of relationships, and why I never search for something different. Does the physical attraction we have for a particular person, divert our present and future inhibitions towards them?…I wonder!.

Outsane

Many researchers would argue when you keep doing the same exact thing in the same exact pattern but expecting a different result each time is a form of insanity…then why haven’t I been committed yet. Am I dating the same person over and over again excepting a different type of relationship. Am I that diluted that I’m willing to put my feelings in harms way If your heart is the very thing that keeps you alive why do we allow it to be broken. The brain tells us how to function in everyway, when it comes to love we don’t listen to it. How dangerous is a close mind and a open heart.

Alone with my Knightmares

I want to wake up to you every morning. I want to look into your sympathetic brown eyes and feel love. I want you to hold me at night and whisper I love you in my ear I want us to laugh tell each other jokes. I want you to kiss me on my forehead I want you to know how much I love you I want you to feel my heartbeat I want you to go back to the day when you first told me you loved me I want your respect I need you to protect me from harm I need you to understand the difference from me venting and me being disrespectful I want you to be patient with me no judge or criticize I want you and only you I don’t want you to leave I want you to come home and grab me by the waist and tell me how much you missed me I want your company I want your heart again I want you to be in love with me again not just love me I want you to take care of me when I’m sick I want you

Anger Management

So I'm seeing a therapist a Ub who is suppose to help me with my anger but I'm feeling more and more angry because I feel I'm not getting the therapy I need I need more then 1 hour sessions where I discuss my damn problems she doesn't even ask me questions I swear I think I need to be commited.

My tears dry on their own

I'm going through so much in my life I wonder what downward turn will everything take next. I can't just let shit be why do I have to be so Cynical. I'm so got damned sad and I can't stand the shit. in between insane or outsane hearing the voice of myself in my head I'm I crazy? Self esteem has to be a million dollars because I can't afford it. But Depression is cheap and suicide is now on sale. I guess the shit don't matter. But the life I'm carrying is way more important then sadness or anger. How is it I've managed to ruin my child's life before its even outside of the womb. Don't you dare Doctor me up I see where I need to be just as sure as I see the blue sky in the morning so why is it so fucking hard to get there.

The Temporary Love

I over this relationship today was the last straw. I refuse to be a victim any longer I feel maturity comes with the ability to let go of all the things that hurt you and learn to move on from it I have allowed men to be the focal point of my life since I started dating 8 years ago they never bring me anything but pain I have to learn to love myself again and be happy with myself. the pain of any breakup is temporary but if you choose to manifest that pain you will never get over it God will help me on this journey of self discovery I may never find my prince charming(or someone like it) but I'm okay with that I have to fall in love with myself and everything else will follow

He gone he really gone this time

Why cant I keep my big mouth shut I love this man but I pushed him too far this time he really left for good I would lay down my life for him the hormones are making things worse he doesn't deserve that I wish I could change everything I just want him to come home